Humour about New Zealand mills


Warning: Draft Information.

This page presents draft information, that is still being actively researched and fact checked. It may be incomplete, and contain more than the normal level of mistakes and factual errors. If you have any corrections or additions please get in touch.

Prince Alfred visits Oamaru

Oamaru windmill got mentioned in a joke that did the rounds when Prince Alfred visited the town: North Otago Times, Volume XII, Issue 411, 4 May 1869
The sails of the windmill (which was working) were on Monday week decorated with flags, in honor of the arrival of the Prince. About this some facetious individual perpetrates the following :-"Why were the flags at the windmill on Monday a token of disloyalty to the Queen? Answer. - Because they exhibited a decidedly revolutionary tendency.

Lieutenant Saxby's predicted great flood

Via some correspondence published in the London Standard, Lieutenant Saxby predicted a great flood would occur througout the world on October 5th, 1869, due to the tidal pull of the sun and the moon being combined. Southland Times, Issue 1137, 27 September 1869. His calculations were way off the mark, as they had been on previous occasions, so few took any real notice of his warnings, though it did give rise to many articles in the papers: date restricted search for SAXBY Some responses were better than others However, the best response was a satirical advert placed in the Oamaru paper, supposedly from the predictor himself, offering to ferry people from the windmill, to the heights of Mount Cook: North Otago Times, Volume XIII, Issue 455, 5 October 1869
TIDAL WAVES ! TIDAL WAVES ! ! FLOODS, &c. ! ! !
THE Undersigned begs to intimate that he has made arrangements with the Boating Company to CONVEY PASSENGERS to MOUNT COOK.
Passengers will muster at the Windmill, and will embark from the balcony, which has kindly been lent for the occasion.
Tickets, 5s. each (not transferable). As only a limited number can be had, early application will be necessary.
N.B. - No luggage allowed. Passengers must provide themselves with "Tucker" (which had better be cooked) and stimulants.
Passengers will embark at 11 a.m. punctually. Tickets to be had at the Flagstaff, Awa Moa (100 feet above the ordinary level of the sea), till one hour before going on board - if not previously disposed of.
SAXBY.
ROOM FOR ONE ! !
THE Proprietors of the Northern Hotel beg to intimate that there is ROOM FOR ONE at the TOP OF THE FLAGSTAFF in front of their premises. The attention of newspaper reporters is especially directed to this announcement, as the situation indicatod is eminently adapted for obtaining a good view of the great flood. The modest sum of £25 is asked; early application is necessary.

Solving Auckland's water supply problem

The The Evening Star, Issue 1263, 2 March 1874 carried a letter describing a satirical proposal to solve Auckland's drinking water shortage, using a huge windmill powered Archimedes screw to raise sea water up to be filtered in the cone of the Mount Eden volcano:
To the Editor. — Sir, — I presume that Mr Lunatico Inquirendum's project of supplying the city from the Onehunga springs by an endless chain of tanks on suitable trucks, worked by a powerful stationary engine along a double line of rails is abandoned, as we have heard no more of it. I don't think Mr Moriarty's attention was drawn to this scheme. I dare say he would be only too happy to report even now. By the way, how proud his poor grandmother, a friend of Dan O'Connel's, in Dublin — from whom he has inherited his ideas of "rectangular parallelopipedons " gravitation schemes, &c., — would be, poor woman, if she was alive, of her boy, though she might be a little irritated at his technical language. Without further preface I will cause myself to arrive at the object of my letter, that is an original and extensive plan of supplying the city and suburbs with an abundance of filtered water; in fact, saturating the isthmus; preventing the question ever cropping up of "how many gallons per statute adult is necessary in this hot climate," preventing the necessity of damming the Western Springs, and teetotally extinguish every smouldering sparks of volcanic fire in these regions. The Waitemata harbour contains an unlimited supply of pure water in combination with chloride of lodium, Ligar canalism, offal slaughter-houseism, otta quintessium, salts easily separated by deposition, distillation, filteration and, according to a notable civil engineer of this city, conflagration. To utilise this abundant store you require a proper filter, and a means of putting the water into it. My plan will be understood when I say place an Archimedian screw, one end resting on suitable piers in a point of the harbour not likely to obstruct the shipping, the other on Mount Eden summit, where an immense natural reservoir exists in the shape of a funnel, the scoria sides of which are the most admirable filtering material. It could be tapped somewhere about Mr Firth's castle by bringing up the Artillery the next practice day and firing into the hill, and a level got high enough for all purposes, too high for some. The salt and guano resulting from the operation could be utilised, the former bagged and sold at per ton, creating a great local industry, and making Auckland the great salt emporium of the Southern hemisphere; the latter would give our farmers no further cause to grumble about farming not paying, for an abundance of guano of local production would be at their doors. The great influx of travellers to see such a magnificent work would bring riches and fame to the place. The whole machine could be worked, by a Gothic windmill of gigantic proportions, than which there seems to be no more picturesque object to adorn the summit of the hill, and adds grace and finish to the work. — I am, &c, Erewhou.

Rebuilding Nelson's windmill

This thinly disguised reference to Don Quixote, suggested that rebuilding Dr Bush's windmill in Nelson would provide something for a particular public official to attack: Colonist, Volume XII, Issue 1225, 22 June 1869
WINDMILLS AND WHIRLIGIGS.
To the Editor of The Colonist,
Sir, - It is a refreshing feeling to see his Honor, our Railway Superintendent, follow up his advantage. His very elaborate letter from Wellington shows that he is not done yet with the Councillors and his own savings. He is quite right to abuse the Council after the style of the Irish lawyer, and of his savings he likewise has a right to be proud - he stopped public works and cut down very few salaries. A working man can generally find a job if Government won't employ him, but a gentleman who draws £500 a-year must starve without the salary. If old Dr. Bush's windmill had not been burnt down the Council very likely would have escaped the attack. A gentleman, always accustomed to built Chateaux en Espagne out of public funds, surely would have borrowed the now starving Rosinante of his brother-in-law, the Don, and would have made a daring onslaught on the old mill, instead of attacking uruly Councillors. I hope, for the sake of peace, that the mill will be rebuilt.
Yours, &c., Sancho Panza,

I do not believe in working out the details

It's sometimes difficult to work out whether something was deliberately meant to be humourous, or whether the writer firmly believed in what they were writing, and the humour is unintended. Such is this example, where the writer proposes using windpumps, then expresses himself unwilling to work out any details: Press, Volume XV, Issue 2020, 6 October 1869
WINDMILLS.
TO THE EDITOR OF THE PRESS.
Sir, - I noticed in your issue of the 2nd instant a paragraph regretting the want of a wind engine capable of being applied to the purpose of raising water in places remote from natural springs or rivers. An engine to be in any way efficient for that purpose would have to possess certain peculiarities not contained in the ordinary windmill. For instance, it would not only have to be self regulating with regard to the varying force of the wind, but also should be able to work equally well, totally irrespective of the point from whence the wind might blow, and continue its work comparatively unaffected by any change, however sudden or opposite. Of course every one knows that it is not possible to get a steady inform motion from any windmill, owing to the variable and unreliable character ot the power, but still the economy of its working is so much geater than that of any other motor that one is easily reconciled to putting up with something short of "the perfections of mechanism," especially in Canterbury, where perfection or anything approaching it is most conspicuous on account of its absence.
Such a wind engine giving motion to a pump attached to one of Norton's Abyssinian tube wells, or some other similar arrangement might be advantageously employed in raising very large bodies of water, which might be utilized for irrigation, watering stock, or other purposes. Such an engine, simple, cheap, and effective, not liable to get out of order, capable of being repaired by a bush carpenter of ordinary intelligence, and requiring attention only once or twice a week would, I think, meet the present requirements. But there is one slight obstacle to their immediate introduction, that is, I do not believe in working out the details, &c., of the machine, and having some of my very enterprising fellow colonists appropriating not only the design and the kudos, but also the profits. If you can, Mr Editor, suggest any means of overcoming this little impediment, I shall be obliged. I confess I am at a loss. But then, Davus sum, non Oedipus. Christchurch, Oct. 4, 1869.
The Latin phrase, which translates as "I am Davus, not Oedipus" is used when you want to express that something is outside your area of expertise, unlike Oedipus who was able to solve the riddle of the Sphinx.

Auckland Cavalry Corps

Otago Witness, Issue 1048, 30 December 1871, Page 14
The Auckland Cavalry Corps sport huge helmets, and pine for lances. A windmill for them to practise on already exists in Auckland.

Wings of a windmill

I admit I can't quite see that this is particularly humourous, but it's on a page consisting of other one line jokes, so I guess it was intended to be the same: Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 74, 10 July 1869
What is the difference between a fisherman and a truant schoolboy? The one baits his hook, and the other hates his book
Poets - The wings on which poets rise are like the wings of a windmill - made of wood, and put in motion by - wind.
A man lately died in Kentucky, so tarnatiously tall, that it took two clergymen and a boy to preach his funeral sermon. - "American Paper."
A coachman extolling the sagacity of one of his horses, observed that "if any body was to go for to use him ill, he would bear malice like a Christian."
A retired actor, with a fondness for poultry, was asked why he named a favourite hen "Macduff." He replied that it was because he wanted her to "lay on."
A begging letter, lately addressed to the Emperor Napoleon, began, "Sire, I received, under your late uncle, two mortal wounds — one at Wagram, the other in the leg."
"How many kinds of axes are there?" inquired a schoolmaster of one of his pupils. "The broad ax, narrow ax, iron ax, steel ax, ax of the apostles, and ax my father!" replied the boy with rapidity.
"At what a rate that girl's tongue is going," said a lady, looking complacently at her daughter, who was discussing some subject of apparent interest with a handsome young clergyman. "Yes," replied a satirical neighbour; "her tongue is going at the cu-rate."
A young lady married a man by the name of Dust, against the wishes of her parents. After a short time they lived unhappily together, and she returned to her father's house, but he refused to receive her, saying, "Dust thou art, and unto Dust thou shalt return."
A countryman walking along the streets of London found his progress stopped by a barricade of wood. "What's this for?" said he to a person in the street. "Oh, that's to stop the fever," said the countryman, "I've often heard of the Board of Health, but I never saw it before."

A windmill inside a house

There was some inadvertant humour that occured due to some poor phrasing used when preparing a 1854 Road Bill for the Nelson province: New Zealand Spectator and Cook's Strait Guardian, Volume IX, Issue 884, 21 January 1854
ROAD BILL. The Council went into Committee on this Bill. Several clauses were discussed and agreed to.
On clause 95, which prohibits the erection "within 50 yards of any road, of any windmill or steam engine," &c, unless "such windmill or steam engine shall be within some house," &c.
Mr. Bell submitted, to the learned legal adviser that it would be difficult to put a windmill inside a house. Clause altered.
The legislation was later validated as part of the Provincial Act's Validation Act 1867, where for comparison, the final text which covered the Provice of Marlborough reads (complete with missing "be" before the word "lawful"): The Statutes of New Zealand: 1867
Penalty for erecting windmills and brick kilns
56. It shall not lawful for any person to erect or cause to be erected within one hundred yards of any road or street any steam engine or windmill unless such steam engine or windmill shall be behind some wall or fence sufficient to screen the same from the road so that the same may not be dangerous to passengers horses or cattle nor to make any fire for burning or calcining any limestone bricks or clay or the making of coke or charcoal within twenty five yards of any road or street unless the same be within some building in or behind some wall or fence sufficient to screen the same from such road and any person offending against this enactment shall be liable to a penalty for every such offence not exceeding ten pounds nor less than five pounds and a further penalty not exceeding forty shillings for every day during which the offence is continued after notice in writing from the Board for the district in this behalf.

Hannaford's Lighthouse

To the proposer (and indeed some backers), Hannaford's Light, a combined windmill and lighthouse, was intended as a serious suggestion, but it was somewhat commical.

However, some observers spotted the humour in the situation, such as this suggestion that he could learn something from a model clock: New Zealand Herald, Volume XXII, Issue 7287, 27 March 1885
There is on view in the window of Mr. F. H. Lewisson, the well known Queen-street jeweller, one of the most unique specimens of the horologer's art which has been exhibited in Auckland. It is what is known as the Moveable Lighthouse Clock, being built up in the form of the Eddystone lighthouse. Above the gallery, in a revolving turret, is the face of a clock, at the opposite side of the turret a barometer, and equi-distant from both a thermometer. The clock was inspected yesterday by a large crowd of anxious and interested spectators. The clock is for sale, the only one of its kind yet imported in the colony, but it would require a ready reckoner to figure the price up. Suffice it to say, that no one who looks at it can fail to come to the conclusion that "time is money." Mr. Hannaford should inspect the Lighthouse Puzzle, and get a wrinkle out of it for his windmill turret scheme.
Another report on the scheme also seems to be poking a little fun at it, rather than taking it seriously: Taranaki Herald, Volume XXXIII, Issue 6779, 11 June 1885
A gentleman in Auckland has invented a "skeleton windmill Bell Tower lighthouse," and he offers to supply the New Plymouth Harbour Board with plans, etc., for £50. He evidently wishes to have his invention put to the test, but the Board regret that there is no demand here for skeleton windmill Bell Tower lighthouses just now. The structure, by the way, seems to possess many advantages, the skeleton form offering little resistance to the sea, and the windmill apparatus being devised to generate electricity for the light, ring a fog-bell, etc. Letters received from the different gentlemen to whom the invention has been submitted are also sent down. One gentleman points out that the particular electric apparatus which it is intended to use has not been perfected, but the inventor shows his great resources and overcomes that objection by intimating that he intends to daub the structure with luminous paint.

Flower power

Another inadvertant piece of humour, due to a typesetting error: The New Zealand Journal, Volume 6, 1846
There are two flour mills in Wellington (1 a windmill, and the other worked by steam) each with one pair of stones. There is also a windmill in the Hutt district with two pair of stones and a water mill at Kai Warra with two pair of stones is nearly completed. In addition to these, Messrs. Kebble's steam mill at Manawatu will shortly be converted into a flower mill.

To be a Nelsonian...

This rousing parody of a Dickensian scene occasioned much laughter: Colonist, Volume II, Issue 183, 22 July 1859, Page 2
There had also, he had heard, been a rumor abroad that at this meeting a motion would be brought forward to request Dr. Renwick to resign. As one of the committee who had called it, he could say that no such thing would take place, as they considered that it would be a mere waste of public time. No doubt most of those present had read Charles Dickens' celebrated novel, "Nicholas Nickleby;" there was a scene described there which he considered would in such a case be repeated - namely, that, where Nicholas applying for the situation of secretary to the great Mr. Gregsbury, M.P., found himself dragged in with a deputation to request the M.P. to resign. This was headed by Pugstyles; and he thought that if they put their Pugstyles (Mr. Rankin) at the head of a deputation, he would meet with the same fate. There would be the same amount of deportment on the part of the gentleman addressed, and the deputation, retiring sulkily, would find in the next newspaper a kind of paraphrase on Mr. Gregsbury's latter, such as - "Gentlemen, when I view the spacious mud-flat in front of our town; when I behold that windmill, which is the mark of our industrial perseverance; when I look around upon the well-built houses, the welldrained streets; when I climb one of our hills, wondering how the Dickens I shall get down again, I can lay my hand upon my heart, and thank heaven that I am a Nelsonian. Under these circumstances, my dear Pugstyles (Rankin I mean), I had much rather not resign. Believe me to remain, &c, &c, yours, very &c, &c, T. Renwick." (Much laughter.) Certainly if England has reason to be proud of her Gregsbury, New Zealand would have cause to be proud of her Renwick.

Public (?) Meeting

This article is clearly fictitious, and meant as a humorous caricature of life in Nelson - many of the town's landmarks and features get a mention, including the river, in the form of Mr. Nelson Maitai, and in this extract Dr Bush and his windmill are combined into the personage of Dr Windmill: Colonist, Volume IV, Issue 415, 15 October 1861, Page 2
[COMMUNICATED BY OUR REPORTER EXTRAORDINARY.]
A Public Meeting having been convened for the purpose of taking into consideration the late alleged unjust conduct of a principal public servant, Mr. Nelson Maitai.
...
Dr. Windmill was then called upon, and began to address the meeting in so excited a style, and with such vehemence, that the Chairman was obliged peremptorily to interfere; the Doctor, however, apologised for his excited manner, which he could not help feeling was quite justifiable when it was remembered that he was placed in jeopardy every hour. He never had any opinion of the watery element - it was weak and spiritless; but if the suggestions of his worthy friend Vale were not adopted, he (Dr. Windmill) felt certain that his coach would be completely upset.
Mr. Gorilla Pyle having satirically complimented Dr. Windmill on his flowery speech, said he had for a long time been a pained witness of the sad behaviour of Mr. Maitai, whom he once esteemed at a high rate, and in whose favor he had exerted all the weight he was capable of; he had been down to him very frequently to help him, and had lately to sincerely condole with him upon the heavy drains that had come down upon him through special circumstances that need not then be referred to; but that condolence and sympathy appeared unmerited and useless, for he had lately taken to abandoned courses, resorted to high gamboling, was much addicted to cribbage, and put himself in positions inimical to successful speculation or commerce.

Whimsical wind-engine driven illustration

The various products from Left Field winery illustrate various modes of transport driven by wind-engines.

Damper from hand milled wheat

Bush Advocate, Volume II, Issue 153, 2 May 1889, Page 2
I recollect my first attempt at baking. It was not the fashion to bother about baking powder, yeast, leaven, or in fact anything but the flour, water, and a little salt when it could be got. I worked up the flour or meal - it was Maori grown wheat, ground in a hand mill, and sifted so as to get rid of some of the bran. I made it too thin and then I worked in more flour. At last it was stiff enough, and so were my shoulders. I punched it as if it had been the head of my worst enemy, and then I spread out the ashes and put it in with such feelings as Wellington must have experienced when he saw the French called away on urgent private business from the field of Waterloo. The "damper" was duly covered with cold ashes and the fire heaped up over this triumph of mine, and I sat down to nurse my appetite and taste in anticipation the hot bread and strong butter that I had procured with much trouble and that had been sold to me as a great mark of favour. The billy boiled and the tea was made, but the damper was not cooked, although I had raked off the ashes twice with a broken shovel that did duty as a frying pan, and had piled on more fire each time. My mate was waiting, for the promised delicacy, and had began to grow impatient and sarcastic. He asked if I was reserving the damper for the resurrection, or if it was intended for a treat on Christmas Day; life was too short for him to waste many years in waiting for supper, and he made other unpleasant remarks that with true nobility of soul I forgave (he was three stone heavier than me and I always make an allowance for bad tempers in big and strong men). At last having cleaned the few pounds of dough away that had stuck to my hands and arms, I produced the damper hot and smoking. A dark look came upon my mate's face, and an evil light shone in his eyes, but a grin drove the dissatisfied look away as he asked me why I had not got it vaccinated. It certainly did look like a newly recovered patient from a bad attack of smallpox; the ashes and cinders had worked into the dough, and when the outside was cut through the inside was only half cooked. My mate was not a bad fellow, and, seeing my disappointment he comforted me with the assurance that I could make money by selling the damper for sandpaper, but I did not feel thankful for the idea. I always did hate funny men if I was the victim of their witticisms. We got some of the damper between the crust and the centre that a very hungry man could eat with safety, but, I must confess that if Pharaohs chief baker made anything like that he deserved his hanging.

Cartoons

These were clearly picked up from the English papers, rather than being specifically about New Zewland mills: New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20366, 21 September 1929, Page 2 (Supplement)
Wife: "Aren't you going to take a snapshot of ma at all to-day, George?"
Husband: "Yes, but wail till we get a bit closer to the windmill. That will give a certain amount of interest to the picture."
- London Opinion.
Auckland Star, Volume LXII, Issue 14, 17 January 1931, Page 3 (Supplement)
Lady: Please, do you know how to stop windmill? My husband was sitting on it and a wind sprang up!
- "The Humorist."


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